i feel like a lot of times, people are very free with their life experiences and feelings with me. which i always welcome. maybe i have patience, i listen with an open mind. i don't seek to remedy the situation or preach my advice. i grant open space for people to vent, moreover with a strong dark experience.
man, today i am emotionally drained.
i'm in tears. not my tears, but those of others. its difficult sometimes to be strong for other people. i wish i could end my days sometimes with a hug or a kiss from a loved one. maybe its partially homesickness or exhaustion from the week or the realization that tokyo is simply just not for me.
but i had two heartbreaking stories to listen to, today. one was from a student who is maybe twice my age with two children and a crumbling marriage. a week ago she nearly died from her husband's hand. he tried to drown her in the bathtub in the middle of the night. she's covered in cuts and bruises, and she says that her right ear drum is severely damaged due to his misgivings. she's tried to apply surgerical make-up to her face to hide the black eyes.
the second story is of a woman my age who is a nurse. four days ago, one of her patients died. she blames herself for the death. she said she miscalculated the seriousness of her patient's health concerns. she said she has spent the last four days crying endlessly and wanting to end her own life for her grave mistake.
so, i think my classroom has this huge influx of energies that just stream in and out each hour. some energies are lively and vibrant, others are dark and heavy. my last class was after the nurse, who nearly broke down into tears during her story, and as soon as it finished i could not help but start to cry. for no apparent reason, except maybe from the energy residue left behind.
i am so proud of myself for living abroad. seeing how much i've grown and changed this past year is remarkable. i know, i'm completely aware of myself and my actions. i could not be more grateful for this opportunity. and i guess if i eventually go into psychology, this is good practice. its wonderful that people can be open with me. i appreciate it. my skin is so thin, i've always been so sensitive to everything and everyone around me. japan is making it thicker, a little bit.
also, my co-worker john noticed my tears and we talked. i didn't tell him about the students, but just said i was homesick. how i know now more than ever that tokyo or any really big city is not for me. that i just can't cut it, and i don't really care to. every skyscraper could crumble and i would be happier to see more space. i want to be out there in a forest, on a farm, on a beach. i want to just be there and feel life. because sometimes i just can't feel life in the city...too many lights, too many noises, too much shopping.
and john said something that made me really happy, "it's best to learn the hard way."
i couldn't agree more. its the best way for me to learn, for most people to learn. i wanted the big city. i wanted tokyo more than anything. and i have it. but in nine months, i want a farm please!
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