disney, too!

tokyo disneyland!

genna and i embarked on a magical mystery day of tokyo disneyland today.

two for one day of magic, please!

and because it was halloween, everyone and their mom dressed up (quite literally, i saw moms and dads in full-on disney costumes). it was so fun! although, lines were everywhere! even for our TWO TURKEY LEGS we just had to have! 

 

scary!

this is my psychedelic ghost costume. 

city life.

i never realized how much of a small-town-girl i was until i moved to tokyo.

since living here, i've had a lot of weird occurrences happen to me....but i like weird, so i welcome it as much as possible.

but, i think i forgot how big of a city tokyo was.

one of my friends here, who i've been hanging out with more recently, is a head designer/co-owner of this fashion line: JULIUS GARDEN he was showing me this website yesterday, of the latest pictures from their last show, and i was like "so, where did this take place?" he said, "oh, during paris fashion week."

and today, i get this email from another friend who invited me to a movie premiere (although, i cannot attend. weep. working...)

its pretty hilarious to be riding on the high rollin' lifestyle circuit with some pretty small wages coming in...but i guess, while in tokyo.

new definitions.

one of my favorite classes to teach is my lowest level english class.  super beginner english! (probably because they have more fun. ah, the classes where the students roll their eyes at me just aren't cutting it anymore. if you are taking classes, any class at all, please appreciate the work of your teacher!)

so, today's class was defining new words and their meanings. 

words like: awesome, gorgeous, going out, brilliant, weird

the picture for "weird" was of two men pointing and laughing at this person who had their stomach hanging out and was cross eyed (i'm not joking!). the men were saying "i don't like him. he's weird."

i asked my student what he thought of the "weird" person in the picture, and the student said "he looks fat" and i corrected him and said "he is chubby" 

my japanese male student said to me "ah, yes! i am chubby!" (no, he isn't.) followed by..."i don't like skinny girls. they are unhappy. they want to eat food but they don't! its horrible!" 

haha. i love students like this. 

daily occurrences.

i pass by this man, everyday. what a treat my life is!

karaoke is fun.

ageo, i love you.

on sunday, after sleeping off the intensity of saturday, i left tokyo for ageo.

my friend genna lives there. the biggest city to ageo is omiya, where i had my initial training when i first came to japan. i met up with her in omiya for shopping. the ironic thing is...of all the shopping in tokyo, i actually found things i wanted to buy in omiya (i haven't found much in tokyo. maybe because there's too many choices.)!

i stayed the weekend with genna in ageo. the first thing i noticed when i got off the train was the smell of trees. i was amazing to actually smell trees. 

so, i'm in love with ageo. 

everything is so cute in this little town.

and i had one of the best weekends since i've moved to japan. it's pretty ironic that it was in ageo, a tiny little suburb of tokyo. 

we ate at this super amazing indian restaurant (with actual indian owners) that played a bunch of bollywood music videos on this giant flatscreen t.v. while we ate, we walked around and i took pictures of things. oh, and we had a pretty amazing time at the karaoke bar (note: the little mermaid's "under the sea" is one of the most philosophical songs that has ever been written. i am not joking.)

thank you for such an amazing weekend, genna!

i imagine this post will be different in the morning.

i have just returned from my school's "halloween party" and i'm in tears.

i am writing this with the intention that i know that this will all seem and feel so much different in the morning. but because i am so emotional right now, in this moment, i want to document this day as freshly as possible.

so here it goes.

this week has been eye-opening for me. its difficult to explain. much of my time in japan in difficult to explain. because words can't really express how i feel. words, for me, can never really explain much. they can try to. but unless you experience something, its so subjective.

lately, i have been teaching an average of six to seven classes a day. in an eight hour work day, that's  seven hours of standing in front of a classroom teaching them english. with a one hour lunch break. if i want to prepare for the lesson, i come to school early. and i usually stay late, to talk to students and help them or whatever. teaching is not a walk in the park. standing and teaching literally sucks every ounce of energy i have, out. 

on top of the teaching, we have this self-study campaign shit going down and i have been told to write 70 individual letters to students. yes, 70 letters. each letter must recommend an individual course for each student to take as well as tell them their improved and weak points. 

also, we had a "halloween party" today. 

okay.

first of all, i was not asked to dress up. or bring food. but it was suggested that i do such things. because japanese people never tell you up front to do anything, they merely suggest. suggestion equals you must. its hard to explain. its hard to describe this feeling. like, pressure. this fucking pressure of the entire japanese society to be the same. to do the best possible job EVER. do exhaust yourself beyond your limit. i understand this all, now. you can think about this concept and try to understand. and i honestly am not trying to put this culture into a stereotype, but honestly. living here, you can feel the pressure. if you don't fit into this mold, they let you know. oh god, they let you know.

all-in-all, i have been working 10 hour days all week. last night, i made the mistake of caring too much about what people thought about me and sewed a costume for the "halloween party" until after 3am. I woke up around 7 am to write more letters to students and to get dressed for work. i left for work early so i could buy some food for the "halloween party" and prepare for lessons (since i have no preparation time), etc. etc. etc. 

i made the choice to leave my house this morning with ZERO make-up on. i never used to wear make-up in portland. but for some reason, japan pressured me into wearing make-up daily (if you are a woman in japan, you wear make-up all the time. no questions asked.).  i was tired, but i was more comfortable with no make-up.

i literally received 20 comments from 20 different students about my lack of makeup. such as:

"are you OKAY?"

"WHY DON'T YOU HAVE MAKE-UP ON?!"

"you look tired."

"you look sick."

"you look exhausted."

.......................

yea. i am exhausted. 

but the thing is, i can't say SHIT here.

you know why?!

because my students pay a RIDICUlOUS amount of money to take lessons that i teach them.

ugh.

it is so frustrating, sometimes.

but...it's also not fair for them to be subjected to my bitching,

although, i don't think its particularly nice for them to say how awful i look either.

for the "halloween party" i made my costume: a psychedelic ghost! (pictures soon. i promise!)

i thought it was totally funny.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as soon as i entered the party with my costume, no one smiled. no one laughed. it was SO TENSE! IT WAS AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!!!

do you know the feeling of awkward? when you can FEEL IT?!

its a difficult feeling to put words to, but i can feel it.

after that, i decided to get drunk (beer at the party. ha.)

the japanese love to clique. they all filed into their groups. some smiled my way, but would quickly turn their heads in the opposite direction. some would make a comment like "what are you for halloween? a crazy woman?" (i have news for you, its not just for halloween.)

i had to expire every ounce of energy left in every cell in my body to last through this three hour party. i was running on very little sleep, had been at work for 9 hours already at the point of the start of the party. i couldn't eat. i was too exhausted.

so, i got pretty drunk whilst inside my psychedelic ghost costume.

i have these moments where i'm outside of myself, watching my actions as i preform them, frequently here in japan. especially in my school. and while i was drinking and in this halloween costume for the party, trying so so so hard not to cry from being so so so tired...i would laugh and see how absurd this all was. ALL OF IT. the fact that i'm here, that i have to ALLOW people to subject me to continuous criticism. i have to treat these students like gods. always smiling, always cheerful, always careful not to step on their toes.

of course, no one forced me to move to japan. i am lucky to have this opportunity. but man, its been really tough.

you know, i had to explain the meaning of ethnicity to a student yesterday. i had to explain to her that she was japanese. but in america, people aren't american for their ethnicity. people have ethnic backgrounds from all over the world. she has never left japan, she's in her thirties.

i can't blame people for their lack of understanding. i can't let this affect me so much. most japanese people don't know non-japanese people. i can't get upset when they criticize me for adhering to non-japanese lifestyle ways. but, i don't get a break from it either. one solid year.

so, at the end of the "halloween party" one of the japanese teachers asked if i was alright. the only thing you could see were my eyes from my costume. but i guess people's eyes tell their entire story.

i asked her if she had ever lived in a foreign country, she said no. then, all of a sudden, i started to cry hysterically. in my classroom. i could hear students leaving, so i tried so hard not to make a noise (i'm becoming really good at hiding). 

we stood in my classroom for a while, she held my hand as i stood there crying. she mostly listened, which was the best thing. i just needed contact. most people in japan don't touch, ever. so to hold someone's hand and just release this intense flow of tears felt so good. then she started to cry.

she told me that she envied me because i spoke english naturally. then, she told me that both of her parents were in the hospital because of critical illnesses. she hadn't told anyone at our school because it was too difficult for her.

i talked to her. i hugged her. i told her that she had to rise above this situation and just think think think that everything will be okay. and as i was saying this, i realized that the advice i was giving her was the best advice for myself. and i also felt like a complete idiot for crying to her about my problems when both of her parents were in very difficult health situations. 

i left school and took the train home. on the ride home, some japanese dude fell asleep next to me and rested his head on my shoulder. he had a bag on his lap that i glanced at, with a card that said "best wishes" on it. that's all we can ever hope for, i guess.

best wishes.

lazy weekend, clouds in my head.

i continue to adore spending as much time as humanly possible in yoyogi park. 

when i return to america, when people ask me what i did in japan. my reply will be "yoyogi park and mount fuji." 

do people in america care about famous places in japan? japanese people always ask me about famousness in america. when asked: "what's famous in portland?" i say: "lumberjacks and beer."

that's a good answer, right?

i think americans comprehend japan enough to realize mt. fuji and yoyogi park, maybe. 

i spent most of my weekend in a hazy dreamlike state. staring up at clouds, writing, napping, and not much else. i literally meditated on the fountains for two hours. i love autumn.

have you ever looked at trees? they are so magnificent. they stand tall with such ease and beauty. its amazing.

the downfall of my personality is my laziness.

i apologize for not replying to emails lately.

work has engulfed much of my energy, lately.

and so has the change in temperature. 

autumn is here. the air is crisp and smells so good.

workshop+me=weirdness!

okay.

i can't explain why it happens, but i have this irksome feeling that most people that meet me get really weirded out by me. 

because a lot of people, i mean seriously most people that meet me comment on my happiness. they say "why are you so happy?" but not in a positive way. more in a confused, negative way.

WHY AM I SO HAPPY? WHY AREN'T YOU SO HAPPY?!

sorry if you think things totally suck for you. but guess what? the harsh reality is that YOU created that reality, sorry. no one else did. everything is how you chose to perceive it.

man, it just weirds me out.

i see people play these roles and i don't get it. like, what's the point? let's all just hang out and not take shit so seriously.

ANYWAY, i had this workshop for some weird shit with work today. a bunch of new teachers were at this workshop and i introduced myself to some of them. everyone asked me why i was so happy.

what other way should i be? it's not going to make this weird life of ours any easier if we all complain and bitch about stuff. about things. about nonesense.

man, just live your lives to the fullest. what other way is there?

WARNING: the most pointless post ever!

lately when people ask where i'm from, i simple reply "portland" and its been causing a lot of confusion.

i guess i just assume people already know i'm from the united states. but that's not true. because japanese people easily confuse the letters l and r "portland" sounds a lot like "poland" to them.

one time, this girl replied to me with "oh! i love chopin!" after i said "portland" (she heard "poland"). evidentially, most people think of the classical musician chopin when they hear of poland (i always thought vodka. hmm.)

i think this is funny because i'm polish, anyway. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINA!

its october?! 

my school is throwing a halloween party on the 18th and although its not "required", i'm expected to dress up. hmm...i need ideas! please!

i was thinking of being hello kitty because at this huge department/weird store don quiote. they have a full adult size furry hello kitty costume with a hello kitty face you attach to the top of your head (i'll probably have to take a picture of it and post it on here. it's difficult to explain the magnitude of this thing).

also, i really want to visit tokyo disneyland during october because it just seems like the perfect time to go! halloween disney in tokyo! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and.

i talked to my dad on skype for the first time in months (yeah!) and as we were talking, my garbage truck rolled by in my neighborhood and i explained how they sound like ice cream trucks because they play music when they pick up the trash. well, in one of my classes today i had to explain how that only happens in japan...they didn't understand that other countries didn't have garbage trucks that played cute music OR police departments without cartoon mascots. "i can't even imagine" they said. haha.