i imagine this post will be different in the morning.

i have just returned from my school's "halloween party" and i'm in tears.

i am writing this with the intention that i know that this will all seem and feel so much different in the morning. but because i am so emotional right now, in this moment, i want to document this day as freshly as possible.

so here it goes.

this week has been eye-opening for me. its difficult to explain. much of my time in japan in difficult to explain. because words can't really express how i feel. words, for me, can never really explain much. they can try to. but unless you experience something, its so subjective.

lately, i have been teaching an average of six to seven classes a day. in an eight hour work day, that's  seven hours of standing in front of a classroom teaching them english. with a one hour lunch break. if i want to prepare for the lesson, i come to school early. and i usually stay late, to talk to students and help them or whatever. teaching is not a walk in the park. standing and teaching literally sucks every ounce of energy i have, out. 

on top of the teaching, we have this self-study campaign shit going down and i have been told to write 70 individual letters to students. yes, 70 letters. each letter must recommend an individual course for each student to take as well as tell them their improved and weak points. 

also, we had a "halloween party" today. 

okay.

first of all, i was not asked to dress up. or bring food. but it was suggested that i do such things. because japanese people never tell you up front to do anything, they merely suggest. suggestion equals you must. its hard to explain. its hard to describe this feeling. like, pressure. this fucking pressure of the entire japanese society to be the same. to do the best possible job EVER. do exhaust yourself beyond your limit. i understand this all, now. you can think about this concept and try to understand. and i honestly am not trying to put this culture into a stereotype, but honestly. living here, you can feel the pressure. if you don't fit into this mold, they let you know. oh god, they let you know.

all-in-all, i have been working 10 hour days all week. last night, i made the mistake of caring too much about what people thought about me and sewed a costume for the "halloween party" until after 3am. I woke up around 7 am to write more letters to students and to get dressed for work. i left for work early so i could buy some food for the "halloween party" and prepare for lessons (since i have no preparation time), etc. etc. etc. 

i made the choice to leave my house this morning with ZERO make-up on. i never used to wear make-up in portland. but for some reason, japan pressured me into wearing make-up daily (if you are a woman in japan, you wear make-up all the time. no questions asked.).  i was tired, but i was more comfortable with no make-up.

i literally received 20 comments from 20 different students about my lack of makeup. such as:

"are you OKAY?"

"WHY DON'T YOU HAVE MAKE-UP ON?!"

"you look tired."

"you look sick."

"you look exhausted."

.......................

yea. i am exhausted. 

but the thing is, i can't say SHIT here.

you know why?!

because my students pay a RIDICUlOUS amount of money to take lessons that i teach them.

ugh.

it is so frustrating, sometimes.

but...it's also not fair for them to be subjected to my bitching,

although, i don't think its particularly nice for them to say how awful i look either.

for the "halloween party" i made my costume: a psychedelic ghost! (pictures soon. i promise!)

i thought it was totally funny.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as soon as i entered the party with my costume, no one smiled. no one laughed. it was SO TENSE! IT WAS AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!!!

do you know the feeling of awkward? when you can FEEL IT?!

its a difficult feeling to put words to, but i can feel it.

after that, i decided to get drunk (beer at the party. ha.)

the japanese love to clique. they all filed into their groups. some smiled my way, but would quickly turn their heads in the opposite direction. some would make a comment like "what are you for halloween? a crazy woman?" (i have news for you, its not just for halloween.)

i had to expire every ounce of energy left in every cell in my body to last through this three hour party. i was running on very little sleep, had been at work for 9 hours already at the point of the start of the party. i couldn't eat. i was too exhausted.

so, i got pretty drunk whilst inside my psychedelic ghost costume.

i have these moments where i'm outside of myself, watching my actions as i preform them, frequently here in japan. especially in my school. and while i was drinking and in this halloween costume for the party, trying so so so hard not to cry from being so so so tired...i would laugh and see how absurd this all was. ALL OF IT. the fact that i'm here, that i have to ALLOW people to subject me to continuous criticism. i have to treat these students like gods. always smiling, always cheerful, always careful not to step on their toes.

of course, no one forced me to move to japan. i am lucky to have this opportunity. but man, its been really tough.

you know, i had to explain the meaning of ethnicity to a student yesterday. i had to explain to her that she was japanese. but in america, people aren't american for their ethnicity. people have ethnic backgrounds from all over the world. she has never left japan, she's in her thirties.

i can't blame people for their lack of understanding. i can't let this affect me so much. most japanese people don't know non-japanese people. i can't get upset when they criticize me for adhering to non-japanese lifestyle ways. but, i don't get a break from it either. one solid year.

so, at the end of the "halloween party" one of the japanese teachers asked if i was alright. the only thing you could see were my eyes from my costume. but i guess people's eyes tell their entire story.

i asked her if she had ever lived in a foreign country, she said no. then, all of a sudden, i started to cry hysterically. in my classroom. i could hear students leaving, so i tried so hard not to make a noise (i'm becoming really good at hiding). 

we stood in my classroom for a while, she held my hand as i stood there crying. she mostly listened, which was the best thing. i just needed contact. most people in japan don't touch, ever. so to hold someone's hand and just release this intense flow of tears felt so good. then she started to cry.

she told me that she envied me because i spoke english naturally. then, she told me that both of her parents were in the hospital because of critical illnesses. she hadn't told anyone at our school because it was too difficult for her.

i talked to her. i hugged her. i told her that she had to rise above this situation and just think think think that everything will be okay. and as i was saying this, i realized that the advice i was giving her was the best advice for myself. and i also felt like a complete idiot for crying to her about my problems when both of her parents were in very difficult health situations. 

i left school and took the train home. on the ride home, some japanese dude fell asleep next to me and rested his head on my shoulder. he had a bag on his lap that i glanced at, with a card that said "best wishes" on it. that's all we can ever hope for, i guess.

best wishes.