i learn the hard way.

i think its best for me to learn the hard way. its generally the only way i understand things, by experiencing it first hand. it works for me. other people get annoyed by it, with me. i think that's why a lot of people think i lack "common sense" which is probably true. i can totally come off like an airhead. recently i've recorded my voice and now i get what everyone is talking about: my intonation, my voice inflections come across as completely insincere and flighty. I STRAIGHT UP TALK LIKE A VALLEY GIRL! man, i know i do. i know i know i KNOW. i know what i sound like, its probably one of my biggest insecurities. let it be known: my voice is my biggest insecurity. because when i say something like "thank you so much. i really appreciate it." and it sounds hella rude, i hate it! ah!

whoa.

anyway...i'm glad i didn't know shit like randomly told to go out onto the streets of tokyo to hand out my school's fliers to people walking by before i moved to tokyo. i'm glad the corporation i work for doesn't say those things to prospective english teachers. because i probably would've been all-like NO WAY! because i am totally ABOVE that shit...but now, hell no I TOTALLY GO OUT ONTO THE STREETS OF TOKYO AND HAND OUT FLIERS FOR MY SCHOOL. YUP. IT'S TOTALLY PART OF MY JOB. 

and if you're reading this and you have a certain tone in mind for how this should come across, i want you to know that the intended tone for this post should be something of SUPREME AND UTTER HAPPINESS AND CONTENT WITH EVERYTHING. at least, its what i strive for.

i want these experiences. i want this thrown into my face. i want to see different perspectives, different points of view. 

do you know how awesome it is to stand on the street in a gigantic neon blue parka, handing out fliers to japanese people in tokyo? when they acknowledge you, and look into your eyes they are at first puzzled. most high school girls giggle and scream "kawaii!!!" and then you laugh and then they scream with even more vigor.

when i look into faces, i really look. i want to feel these faces. sometimes there's a deep frown or a deep concentration to not look at anyone else, but to keep walking/pushing forward. other snarl. some laugh and smile (usually if they're with a friend). these faces i love to look at. to understand, to feel. people are stuck in their heads, in their worries and fears and hatred and annoyance or whatever else is putting them into a trance. these walking zombies, these shells of people. and i wonder when their lives will fill up again. i wish i could shake people and laugh and hug them and scream "THIS IS IT!!! DON'T YOU GET IT?! STOP WITH THIS NONSENSE! BE HAPPY! LOVE! BE FREE OF YOURSELF!"

my alternative is to promise these things to myself and smile. offer positivity and love and hope. that's all i can do.

japan is a place. just a place. its different than other places, but generally the same. people are the same everywhere. they either live in fear or live in love.